Drugmart
by Lady PhoenixDagger
Summary: The gundam boys get jobs at the local drugstore. (Oddly enough, jobs that are very similar to mine *koff koff*) Hilarity ensues. Rated PG for some mild swearing.


Drugmart Hullo! Lady Phoenixdagger here! (Call me Phoe-chan. please.) This is my first fanfic on this particular site, so i hope you like it. And to those who hired me and recognise a lot of this stuff...well... please don't fire me. *^_^* 

**Drugmart**  
by Lady PhoenixDagger 

  
Vice Foreign Minister Relena Darlian closed her eyes and wearily rubbed her temples. It was a rainy Saturday, the kind that coaxed out the normally shy earthworms and made oil slicks shine like jewelled mirrors. The kind of day that made the air smell of muck and caused little old ladies to force their miniature dachshunds into frilly little bone-printed raincoats (Hats, of course would look stupid). The rain drummed pleasantly onto the roof of the Pepto-Bismol pink limousine as it rolled down Division St.   
  
At least, Relena thought the rain was drumming pleasantly on the roof. She couldn't hear it over Duo's voice.   
  
"I'm hot! This is boring! Are we there yet? Ewww, Wufei's picking his nose!"   
  
"Shut up, Duo." Heero's voice cut through the torrent of words, his hands lovingly polishing his gun with a square of soft flannel cloth. As usual, Duo ignored him completely.   
  
"Trowa's kicking me! Someone crank up the AC! I'm hungry!"  
  
Relena shut her eyes tighter and wished she had chosen to ride up front with the driver on the other side of the glass partition.  
  
Duo had graduated to farting noises.  
  
"Shut up, Duo." Heero's voice was tighter, now. The cloth began to rub harder and was inching closer to the trigger.   
  
Quatre looked away from the pictures he was doodling on the steamy window. "Relena?"  
  
Relena opened her eyes. "Yes, Quatre?"  
  
"What are we doing when we get to the Drugmart again?"   
  
Wufei leaned over and swiped his hand over the steam pictures, wiping them away. "We've only told you about two trillion times, stupid," he snorted. "We have to find that onna Sophie, get our stupid uniforms and get to work." He shook his head. "Idiot."  
  
"Don't be so hard on Quatre, Wufei," Trowa murmured, putting a friendly arm around the Gentle Noble . His other hand was curled around a paperback novel. "These are our first non-military jobs. He's just making sure we do this right."  
  
Yes, even Relena could scarcely believe it. The Gundam pilots were laying away their beam rifles and jammer shields for pricing guns and baby aspirin. Sophie, the Drugmart manager was a friend of Relena's family and had given the pilots their new jobs as a favour to Relena. Not that she would say anything, of course. The boys still had their pride.  
  
"My shirt itches! Who farted? Open the windows!"  
  
Click.  
  
"Ulp."  
  
"Shut. Up. Duo," snarled Heero, his trusty gun levelled at Duo's head.  
  
" 'kay," squeaked Duo.  
  
Relena smiled. Pacifist or not, it was times like this that made her glad she was dating Heero 'omae o korosu' Yuy.   
  
The limo was silent until it slid to a halt in front of the pharmacy. The Gundam boys piled out and waited under the veranda while Relena got out.  
  
"Alright," she said. "Assume the position."  
  
Quatre, of course, was unarmed (Unless you call some pocket lint, half a pack of gum and the keys to Sandrock a threat). Duo only had a handgun and a few home made bombs, which Relena promptly confiscated. Trowa yielded a gun -silenced, of course- and a buck knife. After a brief wrestling match, she managed to take Wufei's sword away from him and his gun as well.   
  
"Alright Heero," she said, sucking a cut on her thumb from the sword. "Let's have it."  
  
A gun and a knife clattered to the asphalt.  
  
"All of it Heero."  
  
Two more guns, a garrotte, a throwing dagger, three grenades, and a pair of ninja stars fell to the ground.  
  
"That's better." Relena smiled and gathered the weapons, being careful not to cut herself on any of the more pointy ones. "Have fun!" she called and hopped into the pink limo.  
  
The side of Heero's mouth quirked up into a pseudo-smile. As smart as she thought she was, Relena had forgotten to check his leg holster.  


* 

  
"Hoo 'kay, you must be Heero Yuy!" The energetic young woman grinned at the young man in the black uniform sitting in her tiny office. The office was papered in pink and was covered in cut outs and posters of Ken doll wannabes. (AN: This story is based on my job, so a lot of it rings true. My supervisor's office is much like this because of her unnatural fixation to Brad Pitt. Her walls aren't pink, though. They're yellow because she smokes waaaay too much.) Sophie, the manager smiled widely, showing off her molars. "You and your friends will be what we call 'floaters'. You'll just wander aimlessly about the store marking things with a gun, sweeping, mopping, stocking shelves and facing which is just pulling items on the back of the shelves to the front. Shifts are five hours long and you'll get a fifteen minute break in the middle of it. Got that all?"  
  
"Mission accepted," Heero smirked, leaning back in his chair in the typical 'do I look like I really care' pose. "Now about this gun you were speaking of..."  


* 

  
"Now you must be Duo Maxwell." Sophie grinned.  
  
Duo nodded, smiled weakly back and squirmed in his chair. _This lady's got waaay too many teeth_, he thought nervously. _I bet I could see her tonsils from here_!   
  
"So, here's your uniform," she handed him a bright red uniform fashioned to look like surgical scrubs, "and here's your gun."  
  
"Yes! A gu- uh, what's that thing?"  
  
"A pricing gun, silly!" Sophie scrunched up her button nose. "Don't you be shooting anyone, 'kay?" She giggled girlishly.  
  
"Ehhhh, okay." Duo took the little machine like the Queen of England being handed a dead fish. _The God of Death is_ not _happy about this_.  


* 

  
"Trowa Barton. What a funny name. Trowa! Trowa, Trowa, Trowa, Trowa, Trowa!" Sophie let out a high-pitched giggle and fluttered her eyelashes. _What a cutie! Loooove the hair_!  
  
Trowa nodded.   
  
"So heeere's your uniform!"  
  
Trowa took the green bundle and nodded.  
  
"So…" This guy was weird. He wasn't even responding to the 'I WUV OO' Bear on her desk. "…off you go."  
  
Trowa nodded and left the room, the silly man-posters fluttering in his wake.   
  
Sophie sighed and hugged her bear. _Strange boy_. She looked up at the man-posters. _Right, gents_?  


* 

  
"Hmmmm," Sophie scrunched up her button nose as she struggled with Quatre's resume. Or rather, she wrestled with the name printed on it. "Hmmmm…so you're…you."  
  
"Uh, yeah…" Quatre gripped his rose-coloured uniform a tad closer. That 'I WUV OO' bear was staring at him. "…me."  
  
"Kwat…Kwatray…Ra…Ra…something…so! Mr. Weiner-"  
  
"-Winner"  
  
"Right. I told most of the others what to do, so just seek them out and ask a few questions when you need to."  
  
"Yeah." Those 'I WUV OO' bear eyes were following him. Quatre shifted in his seat. The eyes shifted with him.  
  
"So, off you go!" Sophie chirped gaily and handed Quatre a pricing gun.   
  
Quatre gave a watery grin and left. The 'I WUV OO' bear's eyes followed him out.  
  


* 

  
Wufei slumped down in his chair and treated himself to another deep scowl. _This is stupid_, he thought sourly. He was already wearing his new white uniform. _Damn scrubs. I want my silks back_.  
  
That onna was staring at him, too. Humming an idiot tune and pulling at her right earlobe with one hand and plucking the front of her silly purple uniform with the other, she made him want to puke. Those sheep's eyes she was making at him were starting to make Wufei angry as well. What did she think he was, one of the cosmetic surgery poster boys sending sultry looks at her from up on the wall? Wufei could feel his temperature rising as she kept staring at him.   
  
He was also about seven seconds from destroying that stuffed rat sitting on her desk.   
_  
I want my sword.  
_  
"So,…Woofy-" Sophie began, eyeing him up and down. Nothing sexier than the solitary, brooding type of guy. And with a ponytail to boot! Nice chest, too.   
  
"Wufei, you stupid onna!!!" the Solitary Dragon exploded. "Wufei!!! Are you so thick you can't even read?!?!"  
  
Sophie's wide blue eyes narrowed dangerously. Dippy though she was, no one screwed with the manager. "What did you call me?"  
  
"A…stu-pid…on-na," Wufei said slowly, carefully. Then he stood and snatched up the 'I WUV OO' bear.   
  
Sophie's eyes rose in horror to the stuffed animal in Wufei's hands.  
  
The loud, dragged out tearing sound was heard up and down the hall and an agonising moment later the little white bear's head bounced to the floor.  
  
"YOU!!!!" Sophie pointed to Wufei. "AISLE FIVE!!!!" The enraged young woman slapped a pricing gun into his hands. "NOW MOVE!!!!"  
  
Wufei stomped from the room and slammed the door.  


* 

  
_Pull the trigger, sticker comes out. Pull the trigger, sticker comes out.  
_  
Duo looked at the mountain of Sailor Moon dolls he had to price and looked at the ones he had already done.  
"One, two, three, four. Four done."  
  
He looked up at the Sailor Moon mountain and hung his head. No need to count there. _Damn_.  
  
_Well, who says I can't enjoy myself while I work?_  
  
Duo looked around the aisle. No one was there but him. He quickly picked up the closest three boxes and ripped them open. All right! They were all there! Duo had Sailor Mercury, Sailor Chibi-Moon and -the most hilarious Senshi of them all- Sailor Uranus standing ready in his hands.  
  
_Sophie won't mind. I'll only play for a few minutes and then get right back to work.   
_

***Forty-five minutes later*** 

  
Duo was lying on his stomach in the middle of the aisle with his feet up in the air. The entire cast of Sailor Moon, some other dolls he had borrowed from the Wedding Peach playset and some Transformers -just to make himself feel a little more at home- surrounded him, stiffly waiting to heed his next command.  
  
"Jupiter Thunder Crash!!!!!"  
  
One of the assorted bad guys fell over.   
  
"Yee-hah!" cheered Duo. "Go Jupiter, go!" He knocked over a Jedite doll. "Take that, you baddie!"  
  
A slight metallic shine to the God of Death's right made him turn back to the pile of Sailor Moon dolls he still hadn't marked. Could it be? Yes, it was! Right at the very bottom of the Sailor Moon stack. A limited edition metallic Sailor V doll with working Sailor V Chop! (AN: For those who don't know, the Sailor V Chop and Sailor V Kick were just two of the really crappy attacks she had in the "Codename: Sailor V" manga.)   
  
Duo reached out and grabbed the corner of the box. Of course, it was stuck. He began to tug.  
  
The stack wobbled.  
  
Not to be beaten by a pile of latex dolls, the God of Death pulled harder.   
  
The stack swayed.  
  
Duo yanked.  
  
The stack pitched forward.  
  
Duo's mouth opened in a perfect "O" as Mt. Sailor Moon fell.   
  
"Sailor V!!! Nooooooo!!!!!!"  
  
And then the God of Death was silent.  


* 

  
"Would Heero Yuy please report to Sophie's office?" the public address system crackled.  
  
Sophie turned away from her microphone and bit back a yelp as she saw Heero sitting calmly in one of the chairs in front of her desk as if he had been born there.  
  
"Ah, Heero. I've been getting a few complaints from some of our customers about your behaviour," she said, watching his chest rise and fall with his breathing. Sophie guiltily licked her lips and cleared her throat. _Talk about eye candy_.  
  
"Oh?" Heero said in his clinically dead voice.   
  
"Yes, well the customers are saying that you're just standing there, staring at them. They say you're frightening them."  
  
"I have nothing left to do."  
  
"Did you finish facing?"  
  
"Mission complete."  
  
"Pricing?"  
  
"Mission complete."  
  
"Sweeping?"  
  
"Mission complete."  
  
"Mopping?"   
  
"Mission complete."  
  
"Washing windows?" Sophie's eyes became a little wild.   
  
"Mission complete."  
  
The manager threw up her hands "Then take a fifteen minute break!" she cried.  
  
The Perfect Soldier gave a wry little smile and headed for the staff room.  


* 

  
"One hand crème, two hand crème, three hand crème, four," Trowa murmured quietly as he stocked the shelf in front of him. Suddenly he felt a tug on his shirt. He looked about. There was no one there. He went back to putting the hand crème on the shelf. The mysterious tug came again. Trowa looked around again, but there was still no one there.  
  
"Down here, mithter."  
  
The Silencer looked down. A jack o' lantern face covered in a generous amount of freckles grinned up at him. Trowa spied the little book in the child's fists and wearily closed his eyes. He recognised the book as a circus program and he knew what was about to come next.  
  
"Are you a clown?" the kid asked hopefully, clutching the battered circus program closer to his heart.  
  
"Have some hand crème, little boy."  
  
"I thaid are you a clown?"  
  
_Might as well bite the bullet_. "Perhaps."  
  
The little face lit up in a smile. He held up the program and half a purple crayon. "Do you thign autographths? Pleeeease????"  
  
"Why not?" Trowa shrugged. It was only one kid away. He took the crayon and the program, trying not to notice the funny kid smell (AN: You know, the nasty smell kids get in summer when they forget to bathe.) and the stickiness of the little hands.   
  
The sweet little face suddenly turned ugly. "C'mon guys! The funny man thigns autographths!"  
  
Trowa dropped the crayon as the pots of hand crème began to shake and fall off the shelves. The program likewise fell to the floor as bottles of shampoo dropped to the tiles and split. The sounds of dozens of tiny sneakers and the sniffles of dozens of runny noses filled the aisle.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! A CLOWNNNN!!!!!!!"  
  
Trowa set the last crème pot on the shelf. It rattled a moment and rolled off. The Silencer shrugged, turned and calmly ran the hell away. _Looks like I'll never get my facing done now_.   


* 

  
_I miss my vest_. Quatre leaned on his broom and slapped the dust from his shoulders. (AN: Ah, yes. Sweeping. In a drug store, there's usually a lot of people around. This means that there's a lot of dust from dead skin cells. This means dust bunnies the size of Kansas. I'm not joking. One of the little bastards has bitten me before!) _Could be worse, I guess. Sweeping's not so bad_.  
  
"Quatre, my little lemon tart!"  
  
_NO_. It couldn't be. Quatre slowly turned. _NO!_  
  
"He-hello Dorothy…"  
  
"Come to me, my little cranberry muffin! " (AN: Note to all Dorothy Catalonia fans out there who may find the following Dorothy portrayal offensive: Cry about it. This is my story and I can play with her character as much as I bloody well want! Besides, how DO you write an insane war-freak correctly?)  
  
"Nyaaaaaah!!!" Quatre dropped the broom and bolted. Not to be deterred, the blonde-haired girl ran after him.  
  
"You can't run, my darling little angel-pie!" Dorothy screamed, her arms wide open. Quatre sped up. So did Dorothy.  
  
Suddenly Quatre skidded to a halt. "Look! It's Miss Relena!"  
  
Dorothy's hair blew out into a fan as she frantically spun about. "Where?! Where?!" She looked back to where Quatre had been standing. "Darling?"  
  
The aisle was empty.  
  
_Oh, man, when will she get the hint? I don't even remotely like her_! The Gentle Noble leaned behind a Card Captor Sakura mouthwash display to catch his breath. (Kero-chan says always brush after every meal! Uhhhh...sorry 'bout that... ^_^;;;;;;;) _Where's Sandrock when I really need it?_ Quatre suddenly found himself entertaining the idea of revving up his Gundam up to top speed and stomping that little blonde war-freak into the ground for a split second before clapping a hand over his mouth. That wasn't how a pacifist thought! Quatre was shocked his brain had even come up with such a thing! Of course, pacifists also didn't ride around in gigantic weapons of mass destruction, either. Nor did they find themselves using the Zero System in battlefield tactics. Nor did they get stabbed in the chest by girls whom the fanfic writers insist they should spend the rest of their lives with.   
  
Hmmmm…  
  
A strong hand suddenly clamped onto the Gentle Noble's shoulder. Quatre barely stifled a scream when he saw Trowa's face next to his.  
  
"Thank goodness it's you, Trowa! I just ran into Dorothy and-"  
  
"How fast can you run?"   
  
"Huh? Ah…" Quatre was taken aback by the directness of the question, but years of gruelling etiquette training and learning important social survival tactics took over and answered for him.(AN: Tactics such as "You're at a buffet party with all your close friends and have picked the arctic salmon. All of a sudden seven dozen ninjas all bent on killing you in the most gruesome manner possible crash the party. They dismember the waiters, strangle all the guests, and murder the maitre'd. The table settings are all set on fire and the crystal is shattered on the floor. You are the only survivor and manage to hide under the table. You have nothing to defend yourself with. Now…which fork do you use to eat your salmon with?") "Pretty fast, I guess."  
  
"Then you'd better start," Trowa said quietly before grabbing Quatre's wrist and dragging him into a frenzied sprint.  
The rumbling of far too many sneakered feet sounded again. The sniffling of tiny noses started again. The display where the two boys had been standing was mercilessly trampled and the shelved walls were echoing with shrill shouts of "C'n I honk your nose?!?!?!?!?!"  


* 

  
_Damn onna, damn onna, damn damn DAMN onna!!!!!! If Relena hadn't taken my sword…  
_  
Wufei was abruptly pulled from his mental rant by a light tap on his shoulder. He looked over to see an elderly woman nearly half his height. "Excuse me, young man," she said. "Can you help me find the-"  
  
"No." Wufei walked on, leaving the shocked old woman in his wake. He looked at the signs hanging from the ceiling for aisle five. He passed one by.  
  
_Aisle one, baby supplies. Good. I hate babies. Little crap factories, all of 'em. _  
  
He passed another aisle.  
  
_Aisle two and three, medication. No, the last thing I want is to give snot-nosed, tissue shredding idiots drugs. _He passed another aisle_. Aisle four, shampoo and bath accessories. Ugh, stinking smelly yokels crowding wide-eyed and drooling around bubble bath and glitter gel. Ah, the next aisle should be mine.  
_  
Wufei stopped and turned. Slowly he looked up for the hanging sign. It loomed over him, swaying gently in the artificial breeze made by the air vent just overhead. Wufei licked his lips and read.  
  
AISLE FIVE: WOMEN'S HYGEINE  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (AN: I had to trim the scream down a bit, but you get the general idea.)   
  
The Solitary Dragon dropped bonelessly to his knees and stuck his face in his hands. The pricing gun clattered hollowly to the floor.  
  
"So…much…pink…" he gasped, pulling himself into a fetal position. "So…fluffy…so…effeminate…"  
  
Wufei's narrowed eyes suddenly as one of the puffy packages leapt from the shelf. It sat forlornly in front of him, its package slitted into a frowning mouth.  
  
"Why don't you love us, Wufei?" it wheedled sadly. "Why?"  
  
"Get away from me!"  
  
"But we love you, Wufei."  
  
"Get back! Injustice!!!!"  
  
The package sidled forward. "Open me, Wufei. I'm so soft and puffy. I'm a nationally leading brand, Wufei. One of the best. You'd love me so very much, Wufei." Then it pounced.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! "  
  
"Hold me, my sweet Wufei! Remember having to run out at two a.m. to buy us for Meiran?"  
  
"_You leave Nataku out of this!_" screamed Wufei, his arms in front of his face. "_Leave my wife out of this!!!!!_"   
  
"KISS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The puffy pink package lunged past the Solitary Dragon's arms and mashed itself into his face.   
  
Wufei screamed until his lungs ran out of air and he could scream no longer.  
  
And then all went dark.  


* 

  
_Thank goodness for the toy section_. Trowa sighed inwardly and sat at the table in the staff room. From his pocket, he pulled out a banana and negligently began to peel it. _Thank goodness for Digimon cards. Of course, whoever has to face that aisle is going to have a lot of work on his hands_. Trowa chuckled silently as he thought of dozens of pairs of grubby hands all reaching for the popular pieces of expensive cardboard. He took a bite of the fruit in his hands and looked at the small form asleep on the couch across the room. (AN: No, the staff room at my work does not have a couch. It'd be nice, though.)  
  
_Poor Quatre. That run really took a lot out of him_. Trowa watched the Gentle Noble breathe for a moment before turning back to his banana, chewing quietly. Quatre suddenly groaned in his sleep. _I think he might even be having a nightmare,_ the Silencer noted.   
  
The staff room door suddenly banged open, almost making the refrigerator fall over. Trowa didn't move. Quatre moaned and rolled over.  
  
The figure at the door was huge and burly, wearing a T-shirt with the sleeves torn off and a pair of dirty jeans. His face was that of a pug dog after being hit by a Volkswagen Dart going at top speed and then being beaten repeatedly by the Ugly Stick.   
  
"Shhhh!" Trowa hurriedly swallowed his banana bite and shushed the huge young man. "Quatre's sleeping!"  
  
"Oh. Okay. I'll be quiet." The young man standing in the doorway put his finger to his lips. Then he grinned, revealing nasty yellow teeth. "HOW"S THIS!?!?!?!?" The young man reached over and brought his hand down on the table with a loud BANG!   
  
"Don't leave me, Father!" Quatre cried out, but stayed uneasily asleep.  
  
The Silencer's eyes narrowed. He stood up. The banana fell to the floor.  
  
"HAR HAR HAR!!!!!" The young man's belly shook as he laughed unnecessarily loud. "DO WHAT YOU WANT, WUSS!!!!! MY DAD OWNS THE STORE!!!!!!"  
  
"Then you are here often?" Trowa mused.  
  
"YEAH, SO?!?!"  
  
"Then you would be missed?" the Silencer mused again.   
  
"YOU KNOW IT!!!! BUT WHAT'S A SKINNY LITTLE TURD LIKE YOU GONNA DO?!?! BEAT ME UP OR SOMETHING?!?!?!?!?! HAH!!!!"  
  
"Don't die Father! Please don't leave me!" Quatre fretted quietly, desperately from his spot on the couch. Trowa strode to the blonde boy, never taking his eyes off the other young man, and gently began to stroke his fair hair. Quatre's muscles unknotted and he relaxed.   
  
"Now, about your voice…" Trowa purred silkily, striding toward the pharmacy owner's son.  


***Five Minutes Later*** 

  
"Unhhhh, what a nice little nap that was." Quatre sighed and stretched languidly. He sat up. "Oh, Trowa! You're bleeding!"   
  
The Silencer looked down at his sleeve and licked his thumb. " 'S not mine," he said, rubbing his thumb over the spot.  
  
"Oh." Quatre had known Trowa Barton long enough to know not to ask. "Shall we get back to work?"  
  
"Let's."  
  
Quatre got off the couch and left first, leaving Trowa alone in the staff room for a moment. Trowa suddenly grinned and kicked out at a cabinet under the sink.  
  
It whimpered.  
  
"See you at quitting time, sonny," Trowa purred savagely and left, flipping the light off behind him.  


* 

  
"Hellllp meeeeee…"  
  
The pile of latex dolls shifted and a mangled right hand stuck out, clutching a special edition metallic Sailor V doll box. The left hand, gripping a very long brown braid, thrust its way from under a Sailor Mars box. The pile shuddered and low moan escaped.  
  
"Mommy, mommy! Sailor V!"  
  
The braid-clutching hand was quickly stomped on by a Hello Kitty jelly shoe. A pair of sticky hands wrestled the Sailor V box from the other hand. The braid hand was stomped again as the little feet ran to show off their new prize.  
  
"Damn you, Sailor V," the pile groaned.   


* 

  
"Heero Yuy to Sophie's office, please?"  
  
Sophie turned swiftly to the chairs in front of her desk to see the young man come in.   
  
She waited.   
  
And waited.  
  
Then she felt someone breathing down her neck. Sophie whipped around to see Heero standing behind her as though he had been set there years before.   
  
Sophie caught her breath and swallowed. _How does this kid do it?_ "We can't seem to find the owner's son, so you'll have to take Till 1 for him."  
  
"Mission accepted."  
  
"Yeah. Er… off you go." Sophie settled her chin on her hand and watched Heero leave her office._ He might be a weirdo_, she _thought dreamily, but he sure is a cutie!_  
  
Absentmindedly, her free hand fell to the desk and began to pet the head of the 'I WUV OO' bear.  


* 

  
"Excuse me, son." The elderly woman leaned forward and probed the Solitary Dragon with her foot.   
  
Wufei whimpered and curled into a tighter ball away from the offending foot.   
  
"Son? Are you hopped up on goofballs?"  
  
Wufei moaned and twitched.  
  
Th elderly woman stepped back and shuffled away. "Of all the nerve!" she grumbled to herself "Can't get good help these days. Of all the injustice!"  
  
"INJUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Wufei shot to his feet, nearly knocking over the old woman in his path. He didn't notice, but instead turned and began to kick the puffy pink feminine items off the shelves. The old woman began to back away.   
  
"I'll kill you!!! I'll kill you all!!!" screamed Wufei.  
  
The old woman turned tail and ran away.  
  
The Solitary Dragon clenched his fists and stared at his new enemies. _All's I need is a Zippo lighter, some shaving cream and maybe some Brasso …_ (AN: Very flammable brass cleanser. VERY flammable.)   


* 

  
The sticker popped from the pricing gun. Heero stuck it on the box of Dragonball vitamins and pushed it to the side of the counter. _That's the last of them_. Heero smiled.  
  
"Mission complete."  
  
A young man wearing a beat-up leather bomber jacket walked to the front of the store. He looked nervously at Heero and stuck his hand into the front of his jacket. Heero narrowed his eyes. He knew that panicked look. He raised his leg, reaching for the holster strapped to his ankle.  
  
"Alright! Nobody move!" The young man in the jacket pulled out a gun and held it up in the air. "This is a stickup! Everybody down on the floor!!!" He fired a few shots into the air.   
  
Customers shrieked and fell to their knees. Heero felt his hand touch the leather of his holster.   
  
"You!" The young man pointed his gun -which was little more than a peashooter- at Heero's chest. "Gimme all your money!"  
  
Click.  
  
The amateur thief suddenly found himself staring down the barrel of Heero's magnum.  
  
"No," the Perfect Soldier said woodenly. "You give me all of yours."  


* 

  
"Must destroy! Kill, destroy!" Wufei's hands trembled as he bundled the cans of shaving cream together with duct tape. Nervously, he tore open another bottle of mouthwash and dumped it over the bundle.  
  
"What are you doing, Wufei?" the puffy pink package whined.  
  
"I'm sending you back to Hell." He dumped a can of Brasso -used by the best of the best since 1971!- over the mess he was creating and swatted at the package. It skittered and bounced off the wall. The slit mouth opened wide in an almost comical scream.  
  
"WUUFEIIIII, LOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The Solitary Dragon smiled. "See you in Hell, pinkie."  
  
The Zippo lighter flared in his hand.  


* 

  
"T-T-Trowa and…Kwat…Kwat…and that other guy to Till 1… please."  
  
"Sophie sounded scared," Quatre commented, putting another Slayers toothbrush on the shelf.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Uh," Quatre suddenly put down the brush he was holding. "Who's on Till 1?"  
  
Trowa's eyebrows furrowed a moment. "Heero, I think."  
  
Quatre dropped the remaining toothbrushes . "Let's move."  


* 

  
"Please don't kill me," the would-be robber whined. Heero had his gun trained on his right eye. The robber's weapon had turned out to be a cap gun. The Perfect Soldier smirked at the trembling young man and resumed picking through the thief's wallet.   
  
"Mmmmm, a credit card. Nice." Heero pocketed it. "I told you not to get up," he said, not looking up from his wallet harvesting.   
  
The robber sank back down with a whimper.   
  
"Ah. Phone card. Sweet."  
  
"My mother gave me that!"  
  
Heero said nothing, but resumed plucking cash from the billfold.  
  
"Seventy-six thirty and a button." Heero's finger twitched on the trigger. He pitched the now empty wallet at the would-be robber, who was now crying softly next to the Doritos display.  
  
"Heero!" Quatre was running at full tilt towards him. Trowa was of course casually sauntering his way over. "Are you okay?" the Gentle Noble fretted.  
  
"I'm fine, Quatre." Heero cocked the gun. "I said down!"  
  
The dam broke and the robber began to wail.  
  
"Heero, let him go," Trowa said nonchalantly. "That gun is starting to scare the customers."   
  
Heero looked calmly at the trembling patrons and back to the Silencer. "Fine." He twitched the gun towards the front doors. "You have thirty seconds."  
  
Sobbing like a baby, the thief fled.  
  
Quatre smiled. "There. That wasn't so bad, now was it? Heero? What's the matter?"  
  
"Do you smell burning plastic?"  
  
"Uh, no." Trowa turned to the intercom and hit the 'talk' button. "Would all patrons and employees please run for their lives and thank you for shopping at Drugmart, your one stop drug shop."  
  
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
  
"Fire in the hole!!" Wufei came barrelling out from Aisle five, his pristine white uniform now black with ash and melted bits of plastic packaging. There was something in his hands. "I told you I'd see you in Hell, pinkie!!" he shrieked and threw the object to the ground.   
  
It bounced once and disintegrated into cinders.   


* 

  
Ten o'clock. Quitting time.   
  
Relena reclined in the back seat of the Pepto-Bismol pink limo and crossed her legs. She looked out the window at the fire engines and cocked her ears at the wailing sirens. The Gundam Boys crawled wearily into the limousine.   
  
"So, how did it go?" she asked, smiling.  
  
Quatre hung his head. "I got fired."  
  
"Me, too." Trowa murmured quietly.  
  
"How about you, Wufei?" Relena asked, politely refraining from fanning her hand at the scorched smell radiating from his clothes.   
  
The Solitary Dragon looked up from polishing his sword. "I got indicted for arson ." (AN: If you're wondering how he managed to be indicted and not be in jail right now, then stop it. IT'S MY DAMN FANFICTION!!!! I CAN MAKE HIM BLOODY FLY IF I WANT HIM TO!!!!!!!! )  
  
"Uh huh. What about you, Heero?"   
  
Heero smiled at her like a snake. "I got promoted to manager."  
  
"Yeah. Ummm…" Relena furrowed her pretty little brow. "Do you have the nagging feeling we've forgotten something?"  
  
"Probably nothing important," Trowa noted quietly as the sound of the sirens died away behind them.  


* 

  
Back in the pharmacy…  
  
The half-melted pile of latex in the centre of the toy aisle shuddered and a burned hand shot out, twitched and dropped. It bounced a little on the springy plastic.  
  
"Damn you, Sailor V."   
  


* 

  
Whoa, you actually made it to the end? Does this mean this story isn't a load of crapola? Or does it mean that it is and you just read it all the way through to up your self esteem? Do contact me and say which one it is. I like mail, so just about everything is welcome. Give me a virtual holler at phoenixdagger@hotmail.com. Sayonara!   
  
Lady Phoenixdagger 

THE END


End file.
